Fallen Too Far (Chapter Nine)

A few cars were parked outside when I got back to Rush's after work. At least I wouldn't catch him having sex. Now that I knew how good his kisses were and how nice it felt to have his hands on me, I wasn't sure I could handle seeing him doing that to someone else. It was ridiculous. But it was true.

I opened the door and stepped inside. Sexy music was playing loudly over the sound system that was piped into every room. Well, every room but mine. I started to the kitchen when I heard a female moaning. My stomach knotted up. I tried to ignore it but my feet had firmly planted themselves on the marble floor. I couldn't move.

"Yes, Rush, baby, just like that. Harder. Suck it harder," she cried out. I was instantly jealous and that just made me mad. I shouldn't care. He had kissed me once and been so disgusted he'd cursed and taken off running.

I was moving toward the sound even thought I knew it was something I did not want to see. It was like a train wreck. I couldn't not go see it even if I didn't want it seared into my brain.

"Mmmmm yes, please touch me," she begged. I cringed but I kept moving in that direction. Stepping into the living room, I found them on the couch. Her top was completely off and one of her nipples was in his mouth as his hand played between her legs. I couldn't watch this. I needed to get out of here. Now.

Spinning around, I hurried for the front door, not caring if I was quiet or not. I'd be in my truck and out of the driveway before either of them calmed down enough to realize they'd been seen. He had been going at it right there on the couch for anyone to walk in and see. He had known I would be home any moment. The fact was, he'd wanted me to see them. He was reminding me that he was something I could never experience. Right now, I never wanted to.

I drove through town angry at myself for wasting gas. I needed to save my money. I searched for a pay phone but there wasn't one to be found anywhere. The days of payphones were long gone. If you didn't have a cellphone you were screwed. I wasn't sure who I would call anyway. I could call Cain. I hadn't spoken to him since I left last week. Normally we talked at least once a week. But without a phone we couldn't do that.

I had Grant's number tucked away in my luggage. But then why would I call him? That would be odd. I really had nothing to say to him. I pulled over into the parking lot of the one and only coffee shop in town and parked the truck. I could go drink some coffee and look at magazines for a few hours. Maybe by then Rush would be done with his fuck fest downstairs.

If he'd been trying to send me a message I had received it loud and clear. Not that I needed one. I'd already resigned myself to the fact that guys with money were not for me. I liked the idea of finding a good guy with a regular job. One that would appreciate my red dress and silver heels.

I jumped down out of my truck and started toward the coffee shop when I saw Bethy inside with Jace. They were in a heated discussion at a table in the far back corner but I could see them through the window. At least she had brought him some place public. I would hope for the best with her and leave it alone. I wasn't the girl's mother. She was more than likely older than me. At least she looked older. She could make up her own mind who she wanted to waste her time with. The salty sea air tickled my nose. I crossed the street and headed to the public beach instead. I could be alone there.

The waves crashing against the dark shore was soothing. So I walked. I remembered my mother. I even allowed myself to remember my sister; it was something I rarely did because the pain was too much at times. Tonight, I wanted that distraction. I needed to remember I'd suffered far worse than some stupid attraction to a guy that was absolutely not my type at all. I let memories of better days flood my thoughts… and I walked.

When I pulled the truck back into Rush's driveway it was after midnight and there were no cars outside. Whoever had been here was now gone. I closed the door to my truck and headed up the stairs. The front light was on making the house loom large and intimidating in the dark sky. Just like Rush.

The door opened before I reached it and Rush stood there filling up the entry. He was here to tell me to leave. I was expecting this anyway. I didn't even flinch. Instead, I looked around for my suitcase.

"Where have you been?" he asked in a deep husky voice.

I swung my gaze back to him. "What does it matter?"

He took a step outside the door closing the small amount of space between us. "Because I was worried."

He was worried? I let out a sigh and tucked the hair that kept blowing in my face behind my ear. "I find that real hard to believe. You were too busy with your company for the night to notice much of anything." I couldn't keep the bitterness from dripping off my tongue.

"You came in earlier than I expected. I didn't mean for you to witness that."

Like that made it better. I nodded and shifted my feet. "I came home the same time I do every night. I think you wanted me to see you. Why, I'm not sure. I'm not harboring feelings for you, Rush. I just need a place to stay for a few more days. I'll be moving out of your house and life real soon."

He muttered a curse then glared up at the sky a moment before looking back at me. "There are things about me you don't know. I'm not one of those guys you can wrap around your finger. I have baggage. Lots of it. Too much for someone like you. I expected someone so different considering I've met your father. You're nothing like him. You're everything a guy like me should stay away from. Because I'm not right for you."

I let out a hard laugh. That was the worst excuse for his behavior I'd ever heard. "Really? That's the best you've got? I never asked you for anything more than a room. I don't expect you to want me. I never did. I am aware that you and I are in two different playing fields. Your league is one I will never measure up to. I'm not the right bloodlines. I wear cheap red dresses and I have a fond connection to a pair of silver heels because my mother wore them on her wedding day. I don't need designer things. And YOU are designer, Rush."

Rush reached for my hand and pulled me inside. Without a word, he pushed me up against the wall and caged me in with both his hands pressed flat against the wall beside my head. "I'm not designer. Get that through your head. I can't touch you. I want to so damn bad it hurts like a motherfucker but I can't. I won't mess you up. You're… you're perfect and untouched. And in the end you would never forgive me."

My heart pounded against my chest painfully. The sorrow in his eyes wasn't something I had been able to see outside. In here I could see emotion in those silver depths. His forehead was creased as if something was hurting him.

"What if I want you to touch me? Maybe I'm not so untouched. Maybe I'm already tainted." My body was pretty much untouched but staring up into Rush's eyes I wanted to ease his ache. I didn't want him to stay away from me. I wanted to make him smile. That beautiful face shouldn't look so haunted.

He ran a finger down the side of my face and traced the curve of my ear then brushed his thumb over my chin. "I've been with a lot of girls, Blaire. Trust me, I've never met one as fucking perfect as you. The innocence in your eyes screams at me. I want to peel every inch of your clothing off and bury myself inside you but I can't. You saw me tonight. I'm a screwed up sick bastard. I can't touch you."

I had seen him tonight. I'd seen him the other night too. He screwed lots of girls, but me he didn't want to touch. He thought I was too perfect. I was on a pedestal and he wanted to keep me there. Maybe he should. I couldn't sleep with him and not give him a piece of my heart. He was already weaseling his way in. If I let him have my body he could hurt me in a way no one had ever been able to. My guard would be down.

"Okay," I said. I wasn't going to argue. This was right. "Can we at least be friends? I don't want you to hate me. I'd like to be friends." I sounded pathetic. I was so lonely I'd stooped to begging for friends.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'll be your friend. I'll try my damnedest to be your friend but I have to be careful. I can't get too close. You make me want things I can't have. That sweet little body of yours feels too incredible tucked underneath me," he dropped his voice and lowered his mouth to my ear, "and the way you taste. It's addictive. I dream about it. I fantasize about it. I know you'll be just as delicious in… other… places."

I leaned into him and closed my eyes as his breathing grew heavy in my ear. "We can't. Fuck me. We can't. Friends, sweet Blaire. Just friends," he whispered then pushed away from me and stalked toward the stairs. I leaned back against the wall and watched him walk away. I wasn't ready to move just yet. My body was sizzling from his words and his closeness.

"I don't want you under those damn stairs. I hate it. But I can't move you up here. I'll never be able to stay away from you. I need you safely tucked away," he said without looking back at me. His hands gripped the railing on the staircase until his knuckles turned white. He stood there one more minute before shoving himself off and running the rest of the way up the stairs. When I heard a door slam I sunk to the floor.

"Oh, Rush. How are we going to do this? I need a distraction," I whispered into the empty foyer. I needed to find someone else to focus on. Someone that wasn't Rush. Someone that was available. It was the only way I was going to keep from falling too far. Rush was dangerous to my heart. If we were going to be friends then I needed to find someone else to focus my attention on. And fast.